Bleeding Out

Yesterday was a bloodbath. The kind of day that leaves you feeling like you’re bleeding out in the trenches. The kind of day where you don’t have any more to give and you can’t catch a break. I felt like I started the day with no energy and no resources and yet my family kept demanding more of me.

It’s been a rough week. My husband has been at work a lot, which most of the time is harder than when he’s gone entirely, because I have to take care of the kids and everything else and I have just gotten the kids to bed and got everything cleaned up and finally have a minute to myself and then he comes home and needs something too.

I am so tired of being needed.

And I’m emotionally unbalanced probably because my hormones are still out of whack, and I’m in pain because I pulled my jaw out of alignment somehow, and the 18 month old has been crying a lot because his molars are coming in and the threenager has been whining and arguing with me about everything. And I screamed at my kids not once but twice yesterday. And I was trying to figure out who I could drop my kids off with because I just couldn’t deal anymore and my husband wasn’t going to be home until late. Again.

But then the kids were finally in bed and I just wanted to run away and die in the cold so that I wouldn’t have to deal with anything anymore. And my husband was talking to me about his work and how it’s been a busy week but he’s really feeling like he’s making connections and how so-and-so told him he was doing a great job and I didn’t say anything because I didn’t have anything nice to say.

And he asked me how my day was and I told him that I screamed at the kids. And he asked “why?” several times because sometimes he has no bleeping clue.

He asked me how he could help and got offended when I said I just wanted to go to the library by myself because I sounded “hostile”.

And then he rolled over and went to sleep while I laid there bleeding out.

Edited to add: I wrote this five years ago, and thank God, I am in such a better place mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Sometimes the mundane and the drudgery still get the better of me, but I’m no longer gripped by depression, PTL! I know that there are many kinds of depression and everyone’s journey is different, but I really believe that it was the 21 day “Daniel” fast that was the catalyst for my journey of healing.

I decided to publish this and a couple other posts written during this time in my life because it’s important to know that it’s ok to not be ok. This world is full of hurting people and pretending that you have it all together doesn’t actually help anyone.