What I Have Learned by Saying “No” to Everything

Never in a million years did I ever think I would be the mom who stays home all day, every day. With her children. On purpose.

Honestly, even before I had kids, the thought of being a stay-at-home mom scared the crap out of me.

After Samuel was born, I didn’t go back to work, but I worked as a volunteer 20+ hours a week and just brought him with me wherever we went. He was (and still is) a pretty chill kid, so he went with me to meetings and events and I did my office work during nap time or after he went to bed. We were always on the go and usually only stayed home one, maybe two days each week.

Fast forward two years and now we have Malachi as well. Except Malachi is a completely different kid. I guess I subconsciously thought as long as you taught your kids to behave, you could carry on with whatever you were doing before you had kids and your kids could just tag along. But Malachi hated being in his car seat (still isn’t a huge fan) and GOD FORBID we were out during naptime, it took two days to recover.

We moved to South Carolina when Malachi was six months old, so I was busy packing and unpacking again for a couple months. We were only in South Carolina four months when we found out we were moving to South Korea, so I was busy again preparing to move overseas.

Whenever we move, my first thought is where I’m going to get plugged in. In Washington, I had PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel, a Bible study group) and MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers, a mom’s group). In South Carolina, I went to PWOC when I could and we joined an amazing life group at the church we were attending.

But when we got to Korea, I felt like God was telling me to stay home more and focus on my family. I had no idea then where this was going to lead me.

I felt like I was even supposed to say “no” to PWOC, but I brushed it off because it’s a BIBLE STUDY, by it’s very nature it is good for me, right??? I knew the danger was that they would ask for volunteers and I would over-commit myself, because I LOVE PWOC. I made a deal with God that I would just go to the fall kick-off event and if I really wasn’t supposed to go, someone would approach me specifically about a specific volunteer position.

The VERY NEXT DAY (a week before the event), I got a facebook message from someone on the PWOC board asking if I would consider helping out with childcare. I was like, “Ok, God, I get the picture.”

That started my journey of saying “no”. Some things have been easy to say “no” to and some have been really difficult. I’ve said “no” to work-from-home opportunities, FRG (Family Readiness Group) positions, volunteering, library pre-school story time, shopping, and many other events and activities.

It has been five months now and here’s what I’ve learned:

I learned that I didn’t know how to manage my home. 

I used to do the bare minimum of housework each week and then crash clean every couple of months, but that doesn’t work so well when you have kids. Thanks to FlyLady, I am learning how to have daily routines that keep everything manageable. 

I’ve learned that I had very little self-discipline.

I used to operate based on the events of the week and my schedule was determined by outside forces. Staying home all day every day meant I had to learn how to create and stick to my own schedule. And with no one to report to or keep me accountable, I found it difficult to have the willpower to do the same mundane things every day and not get depressed by the monotony of it all.

I thrive on ideas and innovation and there’s not really a whole lot of creativity or excitement involved when it comes to doing the dishes and folding laundry and feeding kids and cleaning toilets every day. 

I found out I have to get up at least two hours before the kids so that I can spend time with God, exercise and get ready for the day. That means I’m getting up at 5am and it is not easy for me. But it makes the rest of my day a whole lot better.  

I’ve learned to set my timer and get one hour of housework done in the morning, because it builds momentum for my day and also because then I can enjoy the rest of my day, knowing I’ve accomplished something. 

I’ve learned that I need “me” time everyday during my kids’ nap time and it does NOT include social media or tv, or researching (even though I love researching). I’ve found that I never feel refreshed when I am on my phone during nap time. Now, nap time is my time to write, nap or read; things that I am passionate about and that re-energize me. 

I’ve learned it is OK to say “no”.

The world will not stop. No one is going to be mad at me. No one is even going to remember in a year.

Why do I let myself be pressured to do things that take time away from my family to please people who won’t even remember me in a year???

There are a lot of things I never even knew I could say “no” to. 

Especially as a chaplain’s wife, it seemed like a SIN to say “no” to volunteering in the chapel. It really took God giving me a baby that demanded ALL of my attention to teach me that God’s desire for me was to focus my attention on my family, and that was HIS plan for me, not me being selfish or lazy or uncaring.

This is a short season of my life when my kids are young and need my full attention. Some day, we will be a family of volunteers, but today is not that day. 

I’ve learned that saying “no” to things outside of my home means saying a lot more “yes” to my family. 

I was not even aware how little energy and attention I was reserving for my husband, children and home. The very people I claim are my first priorities!

It is so much easier and rewarding to serve people who show their appreciation, and accomplish goals that are recognized, and let’s be real, that’s not generally what happens at home. 

Saying “no” to everything else has really simplified my life. I am able to focus all my attention on my top priorities (God, Husband, Family, & Home) instead of feeling like I’m being pulled in many directions.

I’ve learned the value of staying home.

After a couple months of staying home a lot, I started to realize that my kids prefer to be home. Given the choice, they almost always choose to stay home instead of going out. They love to be home. I realized even when we are going out as a family, our attention is “out there” (like when we are sight-seeing or going on an adventure, or even attending a birthday party) but when we’re home, THEY get our attention. 

There are so many educational opportunities and extra-curricular activities, but what if developing a whole child means spending more quality time at home? I’m glad I’m realizing this now, when my kids are only 1 & 3, before the pressures of school-age extra-curricular activities. I feel free from the pressures of the “American Dream”, knowing that God knows best for my kids and they don’t have to do EVERYTHING.

We spend more quality time as a family and I guard our family time much more fiercely. Yes, we are blessed with many opportunities, but which ones are truly valuable? Which ones, over the course of a lifetime, really make a difference?

I enjoy my home more.

My home used to be a constant frustration to me because it was never clean or tidy enough to relax and enjoy. There was always something that needed to be done or cleaned. When I wasn’t home long enough to put things away, the clutter took over my home. And then I couldn’t clean until I put everything away. It was a vicious cycle. 

My home is not spotless. And it’s not perfectly decorated. But it gives me great pleasure to know that I could have a neighbor over at any time and I wouldn’t be embarrassed by the condition of my house. My bathrooms stay clean because I clean one thing every day. We don’t have a ton of toys, so even if all the toys are off of the shelf at the same time, it doesn’t look like a disaster zone and it never takes more than ten minutes to put them all away again. My tables and counter tops aren’t perpetually cluttered. 

I actually LIKE being home. And at the end of the day, I can relax because my house isn’t a disaster.

I enjoy my kids more.

I have learned that the secret to success with a toddler is: “never be in a hurry.” And now that we stay home most days, our mornings are much more peaceful because I’m not trying to get everyone and everything ready and out the door. 

I’m less frustrated with my kids on a daily basis because I’m not trying to get so many things done. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to work on a project on a computer with a small child around, but it is maddeningly impossible.

Now, I include my children in doing laundry and simple tasks and then do things that are easier without them around during morning quiet time. That way, by the time nap-time rolls around I am able to actually take a break and not worry about getting things done while the kids are in their rooms. And then when nap-time is over, I’m re-energized and happy to spend time with them instead of exhausted and annoyed by them. 

I’ve learned my kids’ daily rhythms because I’ve had time to notice them instead of being focused on other things. They need two “quiet times” every day (the second is a nap time for the little guy), they need to go for a walk every day, and they need me to get down on the floor with them and snuggle and tickle them in the afternoon. 

Keeping it real, I still have days where I wish my kids would just leave me alone, but they are fewer and farther between.

I’ve learned there are other perks to staying home.

Potty training is SO MUCH EASIER when you’re at your own house all the time. I’m still traumatized by memories of my firstborn in public restrooms, touching everything as an inquisitive toddler.

I am grateful for the time and opportunity to teach my children problem-solving and conflict resolution skills as they are playing every day. I love that, even at this young age, they are able to play well together. I’m so proud of Samuel when he redirects his little brother instead of yelling when Malachi reaches for a toy he is playing with. I love how Malachi, even at eighteen months, shares happily with his big brother. One of the things I pray for my boys everyday is that they are best friends, like David and Jonathan.

I started this blog (something I’ve talked about doing for years) and I have committed to writing a little bit everyday. I’ve rediscovered how much I LOVE writing. I am able to say “yes” to something I love & that brings me so much joy because I’ve said “no” to other things.

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Don’t get me wrong, not everything is sunshine and rainbows. Being home with teething, sick or clingy kids can make for some hell-ish days. Not to mention the constant barrage of “why? why? why?” from an incessant pre-schooler, and the “cranky hour” that occurs just about everyday before their dad gets home for dinner.

But I can actually say I am happy being a stay-at-home mom and I feel confident that I can take care of my family and my home, which is something I couldn’t have said before. In fact, earlier this year I was questioning whether I could handle having three or four children since I was barely managing the two that I already had. 

I didn’t want to stay home and I wasn’t good at saying “no”, but I’m seeing the rewards of obedience.

Which just goes to show God knows me better than I know myself and His ways are always for my good.

Disclaimer: God’s plan for everyone is unique and tailored specifically to their needs. I’m in no way implying that what God has told me he is telling you. What I AM saying is God’s way is best, so listen to what he IS asking you to do and DO it, because it will always be better than what you think you want or need.

Note: If you also have a hard time saying “no”, I HIGHLY recommend the book The Best Yes, by Lysa Terkeurst.