Dust and Despair

I’m coming off of a blah week following a really bad week, and though I’m doing much better keeping depression at bay while doing the same mundane things every day, today has been difficult all over again.

I was dusting because Flylady says to dust a little bit everyday and then it’s not so bad (she’s right). Dusting is my least favorite thing to do in the world including dishes and cleaning toilets because the dust always wins. It will never be over. I will be dusting for the rest of my life.

And I wasn’t just crying inside, I had a rising bubble of hopelessness and despair that this is what I do now. I dust. I vacuum. I wipe butts and sweep crumbs. I meal prep for food that I will never eat. I try not to yell at my kids and I play with them on the floor so that they know that I love them.

This is not what I thought life was going to be like.

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Edited to add: I wrote this almost three years ago to the day, and thank God, I am in such a better place mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Sometimes the mundane and the drudgery still get the better of me, but I’m no longer gripped by depression, PTL! I know that there are many kinds of depression and everyone’s journey is different, but I really believe that it was the 21 day “Daniel” fast that was the catalyst for my journey of healing.

I decided to publish this and a couple other posts written during this time in my life because it’s important to know that it’s ok to not be ok. This world is full of hurting people and pretending that you have it all together doesn’t actually help anyone.